Vulnerability is defined as “being open for injury.” It doesn’t mean that injury must occur, but simply that you are not trying to protect yourself from being hurt. If someone had told me, “you’re going to feel vulnerable in marriage,” I wouldn’t have believed it. And, since I didn’t know this truth, I wasn’t really prepared for the emotions that I felt on my wedding day. Especially not the feelings of “I’m not enough.”
My “not enough” moment came as my mom, my Aunt and my bridesmaids left the room one-by-one, and I stood alone for the first time that day looking at myself in the mirror. Instead of feeling beautiful (as I had always heard every woman does on her wedding day) I began to pick apart every piece of myself.
I thought: “Look at my hair! I shouldn’t have dyed it last week. It’s way too dark. And it doesn’t even look that primped. And my make-up! Why’d I choose to do it on my own? My arms are insanely skinny! And this dress. Why’d I choose this one? I can’t believe we spent so much money on a dress that doesn’t even look good.”
At that time, I had a history of feeling like I didn’t make the mark somehow. It affected my relationship with others and my relationship with God. But on this day, it made me question if my soon-to-be husband was actually going to go through with this.
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