Hey Christian Wife: If you have a higher sex drive than your husband, I want you to know that you are NOT alone! And, I want you to know that you don’t have to live with a ton of tension in your marriage because of a mismatched desire. There’s help for Christian wives with a high sex drive.
While we don’t have a lot of research available to tell us just how often the wife has the higher sex drive, J. Parker’s Higher Drive private group is a clear indicator that in a fair amount of Christian marriages the wife has a higher drive than her husband. By the way, her group used to have over 2K people before she moved it off of Facebook. Friend, being a high-drive wife is not wrong or highly unusual.
Sadly, there hasn’t been much research in this area. And, research on desire levels can be problematic because there is disagreement about the definition of sex drive. Some only equate sexual desire with feelings of “being horny” while others say that wanting to have desire should also be included. And while people have causally tossed out statistics for some time (myself included in the past), the truth is that this is just an area where we still need some updated and scientifically based numbers. Even so, I can definitely say with plenty of certainty, that there are many wives out there with a higher sex drive than their husbands. For these wives, their higher desire can often leave them feeling unloved, unwanted, and often unattractive.
So, while I don’t have a huge body of research to point to so you can know just how often this happens, I want to use this post to offer some help to higher drive wife.
1: There might be something “wrong” with your husband, but it might not be what you think.
Have you tried to do an Internet search about your husband having a lower sex drive than you? Or have you read some of the comments on other people’s blogs that address this issue? If so, you likely saw recommendations for a testosterone check or accusations that your husband is using porn or having an affair. Truthfully, those are complicating factors that can affect a man’s sex drive. But, those factors alone don’t necessarily equate to a “reason” for his lower drive. Men can have physical, emotional, reltional, or spiritual reasons for a lower drive also.
Possible Physical Problems With Sex Drive
So, it isn’t a bad idea to get a testosterone check. That could certainly play a role. And, while you’re at it, just get a hormone panel in general and look at the thyoid as well and any other physical complications that could be causing low desire.
Also, keep in mind that stress can be a major libido disruptor. If he’s stressed, cortisol and glucose levels can be effected which can mess with energy for sex. It’s always agood idea to rule out any medical complications.
Possible Emotional Problems With Sex Drive
Since women are often touted as the “emotional” ones, we can forget that our husband can have emotional needs as well. But depression and anxiety (as well as other mental health concerns) can play a role in a husband’s lower drive. Get to know your husband on an emotional level to see if there is anything that he needs to work on emotionally speaking.
Possible Relational Problems With Sex Drive
Sometimes couples have a pretty stark difference in the way that the express sexual desire, but they both actually have similar levels of drive. Some husbands with a perceived lower sex drive, actually have a fairly healthy desire level but feel like they are not being received by their wife.
This can be true even when a wife says, “I’m always going to say yes.” Make sure your husband understands how deeply you desire to have sex with him, but also ask him if there’s anything between the two of you that makes this more difficult. Be open to hear any relationship changes that he feels needs to happen.
Possible Spiritual Problems With Sex Drive
When I work with couples, I always assess the role that spirituality or theology plays in their sex life. I’ve met many couples that have been negatively impacted by the messages they received in church.
In fact, this negative impact can e so profound for people that there’s actually a movement of sorts to talk about the damage of the purity talks so many of us had in church.
For some men, their lower drive is related to their desire to not be “too sex hungry.” They may have tried to shut that drive down when they were younger only to find that they struggle to get that drive back once they’re married. Make sure you have an open discussion with your husband about what your theology says about sex.
And, if you believe one thing in your head, but your heart doesn’t seem to follow along, consider seeing a Chrisitan sex therapist.
All in All, Low Drive May Not Mean a Medical or Unfaithfulness Problem…
Your husband’s lower drive doesn’t necessarily mean that he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. It also doesn’t mean that he has low testosterone. Don’t fall for the myths that are often taugh. Instead, let him know that you’d like to make love more frequently and see what you both can do to facilitate that.
2: Your man is not “the woman” in the relationship.
I can’t even explain how many times I’ve heard wives say, “I’m like the man and he’s like the woman” when they talk about their husband having a lower sex drive. Not only that, but men will joke one another in similar ways. I recently read through a few blogs where men were saying that their wives had higher sex drives than them and they didn’t know how to handle it. The comments made from other men were horribly emasculating. Comment after comment a man would tell the one asking for help how lucky he was. They would say if he was a real man he’d enjoy the attention. One commenter even joked about living vicariously through the one asking questions.
Remind Your Man of His Masculinity…
Hear me on this – your husband deserves to feel manly and encouraged for his masculinity. Whether or not he likes to have frequent sex is not what makes him a man. In fact, that belief is one of the ways men are far too often deceived by our culture. They are led to believe that they should be tempted every day, every hour and that they have to fight their sexual urges. While this does happen (more often for some men than others), it also perpetuates this lie that ALL men want sex ALL the time and something is wrong if they don’t. So wife, please do not tell me that your husband is more like a woman. Let’s change the way we express our thoughts about this. Tell the facts. “I have a higher sex drive than my husband. I really wish we could make love more often.”
Speaking out of your own pain will only serve to cause pain for your hubby.
3: God cares deeply about your sex drive and your sex life. Talk to Him!
I’ve heard women tell me that they pray that God will take their high sex drive away. They believe they’d be happier and more fulfilled in their relationship if they weren’t denied sex so frequently. Now, it’s a normal response to feel lonely and unloved when your spouse seems uninterested in sex. And women, more so than men, can start to question their physical appearance and wonder if their spouse is just no longer attracted to them. I truly believe that prayer works wonders in relationships, including marital intimacy. I challenge you to pray about your sexual intimacy.
Pray that God will help with the loneliness and the feelings of being unloved. Pray that he’ll give you direction how to approach your husband in ways that he’ll be more receptive to your sexual advances. Thank God that he put a man in your life that you are attracted to and who awakens that sexual desire. And then, pray that God will increase your husband’s desire for you. Let God start to speak to you about anything you need to change that might be causing your husband pain.
Practice Growing in the Midst of Your Pain
While its no fun to have different levels of desire in your marriage, it does give both of you the opportunity to be more Christ-like by denying yourself and focusing on your spouse. I’m certainly not saying that you must accept that your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you (especially if you and your spouse have not had sex for a significant amount of time), but you can take appropriate steps to make the sexual relationship more positive for you both. It requires a level of sacrifice when your desire is higher, but isn’t that one of the points of marriage? Don’t give up yet! Keep fighting for your marriage and for a fulfilling sex life.
Blessings to you! I’m praying for you!