Wife: If you have a higher drive in your marriage, I want you to know that you are NOT alone! While there is only scant research available to tell us just how often the wife has the higher sexual drive, J. Parker’s Higher Drive private group is a clear indicator that Christian marriages sometimes have a wife with a higher sexual drive than her husband. By the way, J’s Facebook group used to have over 10K people before she moved to a more private and close knit group in her membership platform. Friend, being a high-drive wife is not wrong or highly unusual.
Sadly, there has been very little research in regards to just how often the wife has the higher drive or what it actually means to have a higher sexual drive. For instance, some only equate sexual desire to be feelings of “being horny” while others would say that a desire to have a sexual drive is still a part of sexual desire. And while people have causally tossed out statistics for some time (myself included in the past), the truth is that this is just an area where we still need some updated and scientifically based numbers. Even so, I can definitely say with plenty of certainty, that there are many wives out there with a higher sexual desire than their husbands and their higher desire can often leave them feeling unloved, unwanted, and often unattractive.
So, while I don’t have a huge body of research to point to so that you can know just how often the wife has the higher drive, I want to use this post to speak to the wife that would like to have sex more frequently. I’ll assume that your husband is ‘okay’ with the frequency of sex in your marriage.
#1: There might be something “wrong” with your husband, but it might not be what you think.
Have you tried to do an Internet search about your husband having a lower sex drive (or read some of the comments on other people’s blogs that address this issue)? If so, you likely saw recommendations for a testosterone check or accusations that your husband is using porn or having an affair. Truthfully, those are complicating factors that can affect a man’s sex drive. But sometimes, your man just needs to know you love him and want to make love. He needs to be encouraged that he’s good at it and makes you feel loved and wanted. He may need more rest (being too tired can zap desire and cause erection problems). You can help with this by making sure you’re both in bed early enough.
Low Drive May Not Mean a Medical or Unfaithfulness Problem…
Your husband’s lower drive doesn’t necessarily mean that he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. It also doesn’t mean that he has low testosterone. And while a physical to check his levels might be necessary, it’s also incredibly important for you to have a conversation with him. Let him know that you’d like to make love more frequently and see what you can do to facilitate that.
#2: Your man is not “the woman” in the relationship.
I can’t even explain how many times I’ve heard wives say, “I’m like the man and he’s like the woman” when they talk about their husband having a lower sex drive. Not only that, but men will joke one another in similar ways. I recently read through a few blogs where men were saying that their wives had higher sex drives than they did and they didn’t know how to handle it. The comments made from other men were horribly emasculating. Comment after comment a man would tell the one asking for help how lucky he was, or say if he was a real man he’d enjoy the attention, or the commenter would joke about living vicariously through the one asking questions.
Remind Your Man of His Masculinity…
Hear me on this – your husband deserves to feel manly and encouraged for his masculinity. Whether or not he likes to have frequent sex is not what makes him a man. In fact, that belief is one of the ways men are far too often deceived by our culture. They are led to believe that they should be tempted every day and every hour and that they have to fight their sexual urges. While this does happen (more often for some men than others), it also perpetuates this lie that ALL men want sex ALL the time and something is wrong if they don’t. So wife, please do not tell me that your husband is more like a woman. Let’s change the way we express our thoughts about this. Tell the facts. “I have a higher sex drive than my husband. I really wish we could make love more often.”
Speaking out of your own pain will cause pain for your hubby.
#3: God cares deeply about your sex drive and your sex life. Talk to Him!
I’ve heard women tell me that they pray that God will take their high sex drive away. They believe they’d be happier and more fulfilled in their relationship if they weren’t denied sex so frequently. And, it’s a completely normal response to feel lonely and unloved when you ask your spouse for sex and they don’t seem interested. Women, more so than men, can start to question their physical appearance and wonder if their spouse is just no longer attracted to them. I truly believe that prayer works wonders in relationships, including marital intimacy. I challenge you to pray about your sexual intimacy.
Pray that God will help with the loneliness and the feelings of being unloved. Pray that he’ll give you direction how to approach your husband in ways that he’ll be more receptive to your sexual advances. Thank God that he put a man in your life that you are attracted to and who awakens that sexual desire. And then, pray that God will increase your husband’s desire for you. Let God start to speak to you about anything you need to change that might be causing your husband pain.
Practice Growing in the Midst of Your Pain
While it isn’t fun at all to have different levels of desire in your marriage, it does give both partners the opportunity to be more Christ-like by denying the self and focusing on your spouse. I’m certainly not saying that you must accept that your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you (especially if you and your spouse have not had sex for a significant amount of time), but you can take appropriate steps to make the sexual relationship more positive for you both. It requires a level of sacrifice when your desire is higher, but isn’t that one of the points of marriage? Don’t give up yet! Keep fighting for your marriage and for a fulfilling sex life.
Blessings to you! I’m praying for you!